I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
