Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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