you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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