Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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