Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
