Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
