Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
