I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
