Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
