i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
