Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
