Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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