Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
