She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
