Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
