Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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