God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
