It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
