my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
