Four minutes until I can fart!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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