i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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