i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
she woke up with a sticky ear
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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