the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He felt like a one man threesome
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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