Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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