Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
