so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
