I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize