my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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