apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
