I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
