Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize