The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
