a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
