I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
