OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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