Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
