I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
