DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
