I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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