OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
