guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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