Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
