with your own penis?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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