There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
