I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
