Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
