you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
