I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
