I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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