So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
