having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize