none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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