Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
