I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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