I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
