DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
