I am puke
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
