hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He better not be in your backpack
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
